Good morn dear Internet,
I had a post all ready to go this morning about this great drama at my work that happened yesterday…it is priceless. I will post it later. This morning, as I was walking doen the wooded path to work with the birds singing and orchestra music playing while the sun was shining…
Who am I kidding- I was stuck in traffic listening to talk radio and cursing myself for taking the highway this morning. Anywho…today I will regale you with this little gem that happened just a little while ago
I get to work and my good friend BITTER (he hates his job, his daughters, his singleness, and his God right now) has an uncharacteristic smile on his face. Odd, I thought as I sunk into my chair to turn my computer on.
My Windows session had just started when he comes SKIPPING (seriously) to my desk and says “I have a surprise for you, and I think you are going to be blown away!”
Well well! I thought to myself, how thoughtful, he got me a gift. I mean, we have known each other for three years, working together day in, day out, and he finally gets me something? So nice!! Maybe he was getting over his bitter cycle.
As I was soon to find out, the only reason he was happy was due to my utter shame and thoughts of me blushing from head to toe while being completely stripped of all pride.
Back to me being temporairily happy…
“Oh yeah?! What did you get me?!” I said hopefully, never thinking for a second that he would take joy in my shame
“Well…let me show you, here, scoot over a sec…” he says as he nudges me over, takes my mouse and opens up my Internet Explorer. At this point I am thinking that he ordered something that did not come in yet, so he could only show me a picture. Maybe that countertop garden thing with the lights?!
Then I notice that he is on some person’s blog page, scrolling through the articles. Odd, I said to myself. My mind began to click through possibilities of what Bitter could have gotten me…
“AH! Here it is, go ahead, read up. This is Butters’ blog. I hope you enjoy…” then he breaks out in uncontrollable cackling.
There, in that blog, I found that not only had Butters written about what he wished to do to me at night, in the cubicle, but also love poems, prose, short stories…all professing his love for me. I WAS MORTIFIED. Imagine, if you will, a 70’s porn star dressed in flannel shirts, wranglers, tool belt, and beer gut (a big one). Who likes Nascar and has a lisp. Oh, and HUGE thick glasses. That is Butters. He is also married, however as I found out likes to swing.
“Holy *%&$^ mother of god in heaven %&$#*and %*$#@( earth *#@$%…” I muttered under my breath along with assorted curse words. I cuss like a sailor, get over it.
“You like it? Wait, this gets better…” he then opens my outlook inbox to find the source of this mission against my life…my arch enemy TALKS ALOTTA CRAP AND HAS MIDDLE AGE SPREAD had sent an e-mail to many employees with this link on it. I.Was.Mortified.
Me being the vindictive bitch that I am, I immediately sent the e-mail to HR, copied the arch enemy, and told HR that she had sent a bulk non-work related e-mail, AND that it contained a personal attack (she had called me a name that I shall not repeat).
Now, as I sit here month later writing this, my arch enemy gone, Bitter is still bitter, and me building up to have another enemy, I laugh when I think about that blog. Butters’ took it down not long after. He has since moved on to “love” another girl in the office…hopefully she will not find out about his love the way I did.
This office is crazy and if I was a better writer I would be able to write a soap opera.
